Happy New Year, everybody! I know that it is February, but better late than never. I have decided to stay home and go to school and work and save money for my trip to France with my cousin in June. I have a lot that i still need to do in preparation for school, like actually apply to PCC, and for Europe, like visit the doctor for the first time in maybe ten years, and get a passport, learn a little bit of french, and figure out how i am going to pack for an entire month. Lets just say that i have my work cut out for me.
     Fast sundays are always hard for me. I get hungry really quickly and I use a lot of energy when I don't even mean to, and it makes church seem like it is taking four years to get over. However, I always feel like it is a fresh start for me physically. I go one day without eating and drinking, and it makes me want to be better. Exercise more, eat better, usually I never do, but this month I feel like I need to do better on my health. Something to work on. I also need to start fresh spiritually. I am re-reading the Book of Mormon because I feel that I need to pay more attention to what I am reading, and that I need to study it more. I am also challenging myself to memorize all 100 scripture mastery scriptures again this year. I think that that could be a good goal.
     That is all I have to say right now.
                                        Until next time,
                                                    Determined.

One Month Down!!!

Okay, so I realize that I haven't posted on my blog in a long time. Possibly because I have been too busy or nothing extremely exciting has happened. WELL today is different!!! This morning I had History 101 which is the class I am most afraid of, and at the end of class he announced that he had progress reports for us. Me and my friend Marin started to panic because we had no idea what our grade would be in the class, but we were hoping for a C. So we wait for our names to be called, and Mom you would appreciate that he started with the end of the alphabet, so Marin and I looked together, and she has a B and I have an A in the class!!! We seriously got so excited because we thought that we were failing, so we went to the student center and got smoothies at freshens, which is a smoothie and yogurt place. And my professor told us that we don't have class on friday!!! I am so excited!!! This has been a great wednesday so far. I do have A LOT of homework to do though, but I feel like I can do it because I am so happy!!! That is all:)

Wow.

Oh goodness. This week was pretty crazy for me. It seems like all I did was homework which involved a lot of reading. Too much in my opinion. I am starting to feel less and less homesick, but sometimes I will see something that reminds me of home and I want to go back so bad! There are people that I have met that live like twenty minutes away from the campus so they can see their family anytime, and I get so jealous! I would love to be able to go home on an afternoon to see what was happening. But I can't, and that makes me sad. I have made some new friends here, two of them are guys, and one I am sort of becoming friends with, we have the same classes tuesdays and thursdays and we sit next to each other in class, so I am hoping that something will come out of that:) College is interesting. I like it, but at the same time I think it is weird, and I want to go home. My roommate agrees... That is about it for this update... I will probably write again tonight as more thoughts will pop into my head. Until next time, Cured.

Sunday

         Sundays are my favorite days of the week. A time to relax, to ponder, read the scriptures and be with family. Oh how I miss that last one. Sundays here at college, on the other hand, never really feel like sunday. Maybe it is because I am on my own, with other people that are not my family, and my church meetings are held in a classroom in my history building. Doesn't have the same feeling. That is why I miss home so much. It actually felt like sunday when I was there. I know, I know, stop thinking about home! You can't be homesick anymore! But that is the problem with Sundays. They give me too much time to think and wonder about home, and too much time to think of what I would be doing if I were at home. I miss it way too much. More than I should, I feel. I start my second week of school tomorrow, and I am just hoping that this week and the weeks to follow will go by really quickly so I can come home. I have been thinking this morning about next semester, and if I should come back to BYU-I or stay home and go to community college. I keep wanting, so desperately in my heart, for the Lord to give me a reason to stay home when the option of next semester comes. Just so I don't have to decide by myself. Because we all know how much I love making decisions and how good I am at it...or not. But then, I think to myself, should I just stick it out another semester after this one ends, just to see if I really do belong here? Because what if an amazing opportunity comes while I am here in the spring and I might have missed out on it if I stayed home? Holman's are not quitters. My mom and dad always tell me that. maybe that is why I am being so hard on myself. If i don't come back, will I feel like I quit? But my sister didn't go even though she was all signed up and ready! And my cousin quit after one semester! So what about me? What am I supposed to do? Once again, I am over thinking things. But I feel it is better to put my thoughts in writing rather than bottling them up and stressing myself out about them. See, too much time to think on Sundays. Way too much time to think. Maybe I need to readjust my thinking direction. Instead of thinking if I will come back or not, maybe I should think about what I want to teach when I finally graduate. If I ever do... Well, I have a meeting at 11:50, so I should probably eat some food and go. Until next time, Thoughtful.

One Week Down... Twelve To Go!!!

     Well, I did it!!! I survived my first week of college, but not without great difficulty... as you can tell from my previous posts... I have had a lot of time to re-adjust my thinking and lots of time to pray for help and comfort... and I just gave in to reality! I finally realized that I can't turn back at this point so why cry and worry about something that I don't have to worry about yet! My classes are pretty good, but my favorite class (so far) is American Foundations learning about the constitution, the PROPER role of government, and I will be learning much more about how our country works. Or should work. After thinking about it, I feel that my interest in teaching is changing from History (although I love learning about the past) to political science or something along those lines. I just love learning about how things work in this country and in others, and I feel like I might want to teach it. Because honestly, someone needs to teach the kids (the kids... gosh I was one three months ago sitting in a high school classroom) how government should work. I mean, I didn't even know what checks and balances are! Wow. My thoughts might change further down the road, but at least I am trying to figure out what to do.
     It was interesting though. In my apartment (that is weird to say) we have a full length mirror at the end of the hallway and as I was walking to exit the hallway to enter the kitchen, something caught my eye in the mirror... It was me... For the first time I saw my reflection and I saw someone different. I saw me, but I saw me as an eighteen year old in college growing up. I saw myself, for the first time, as an adult. I have never thought much about myself accomplishing great things, because I was never good in school, not popular, not the best at one certain thing, but I saw myself different. I saw myself as an eighteen year old taking a big step by going to college in a different state, living on my own away from my parents, and trying to do something that I am completely scared of. Something I never thought I would do. Looks like my parents raised me right, and my siblings didn't completely destroy me through the process. I hope that as this semester goes on, I will be able to continue to see myself as an eighteen year old adult with purpose and, finally, a little confidence to step out of my bubble. Like today, I sat by a guy in class instead of by myself or next to a girl! And I am going to go to the student center (the MC for future references) and do my homework there so I don't feel like I have been keeping myself cooped up in my apartment! Yay! I have to go to the library anyway, and the MC is right there, so why not. Maybe I can do this. Maybe I can push myself to greater limits and really test my sense of duty (Pirates of Penzance;) to prove myself worthy to everyone I know and to myself. Maybe this is exactly what I need being here in college. A chance to figure myself out and get to know me as an adult, and not continue on with the adolescence I already know. Very well I might add... Not to say I don't still miss home, because I desperately long to be there and watch Ty and Ruby grow up and be apart of their lives even more than I already am!
     Last night I facetimed with my sister so I could talk to her and the kids, and so I said goodnight to the kids and almost started to cry as I found out that Ty practically has a girlfriend, and Ruby is almost three, and then I talked with stephanie for about half an hour. Never have I loved her more than I do now. I talked to her like she is my best friend, and I realize that she is... I actually have three, my mom stephanie and tenley, but that isn't the point. The point is I have a big sister who loves and cares for me, and I love to hear everything that she has to say, especially about project runway;) I am so thankful that I have her as a sister and someone to look up to. I couldn't have asked for a better one, or for better timing on our relationship as friends and sisters. Thank you Stephanie for everything that you have done, and everything that you will do for me as I... learn about college life and the frustration that it will continue to bring me. Well, I better do my homework so I can watch a movie tonight!!! Yay for fridays:) Till next time, Content.

3 Months Away...

       Today I finished my second day of college. Only my second day. I have a very strong feeling that this is going to be a very long three months. I am and have been super homesick, I am really scared of my history class, and I have been on my knees so much these past five days. College is hard, and a lot different than I thought it would be. I thought that when I got here, I would be in one of my classes sitting next to a guy who would start talking to me, we would get to know each other, and start dating. I also thought that I would have a different feeling of when I got here, and that all my questions would be answered. But reality is so much different than reality. I have maybe talked to two guys, met some cool people but haven't really clicked with anyone. My feelings since I have been here these past five days have been crazy ones. It might be my homesickness talking, but I keep wondering if by the end of the semester, I will find that being at a university and I don't get along well, but I keep asking myself why am I here? Is it to become a teacher like I know I am supposed to be? Is it to obey the prophet's words to get an education? Because knowledge will be what you take with you in the end. Is it to find an eternal companion? Or is it to test my faith and obedience and push myself to utter breakdowns every day I try my best? I was never really super excited to go to college, I was more scared, curious, and nervous about it.
       Once I started moving my things in to my room, however, my nerves went to excitement, being ready to start a new adventure. And then my parents went home and I had an almost nervous breakdown about printing, I had my first class with a reading I didn't immediately understand I got stressed, and reality kicked in. It kicked in hard. What if I do find that I am not meant for college? or at least a big scary university? How can I become a teacher if I don't go, but what if I can't handle it, how am I supposed to become a teacher? I am also doubting that I want to be a history teacher... I think it might become more of a hobby, learning about history. But I can't answer any of these questions because it is only my second day here! Everyone said that I will have so much fun in college! And my parents were saying that I am meant to be here... How am I supposed to know? What am I supposed to do? Really I am just scared of the future, and not being able to see myself as a teacher. How am I supposed to become a teacher, if I can't see myself teaching? I really needed to let my thoughts out, and I hope those that read will keep me in their prayers, and pray to help me know what to do. I should probably finish my homework now... Sincerely, Undecided.

Hello Rexburg!!!

I am now in Rexburg Idaho looking forward to starting a new adventure known as college! I have been at BYU-Idaho for four days now, and it already has opened my eyes to lots of new things. My roommates are amazing and my actual roomie is a freshman, and the only one besides me in my apartment... :) I have already realized how much my mother did for me. Already I am starting to run out of milk, and I keep thinking when will a new gallon appear? Well, it will appear when I go get it with my own money... She has done everything for me, and I miss her cooking so much! Then there is my dad whom I miss just as much. Right after they left I was trying to put together a document holder,  unbeknownst to me, it included screws, which requires a screwdriver which my dad has... I wanted to call him and tell him to turn around and come back because I need him! Then I think of my sister and what an amazing friend she is to me. She has taught me so much about getting older and growing up, and she and Aaron have given to the whole family the cutest two people on the planet, Ty and Ruby. Oh how I miss them!!! I miss seeing their smiling faces everyday and getting the biggest hugs from Ruby, and an amazing tale from Ty. My classes haven't even started yet, but I feel homesick. My brothers, my sisters-in-law, my grandma, pepper our dog, and especially riley my cat. Yes Shawn and Dad, I finally admit it. Riley is my cat:) I miss home a lot but I am looking forward to starting this new life with new people and many new adventures.